I will continue

Where can I be read? Where I can be understood and be me. Someone who doesn't want to be fixed just understood when sometimes it's hard to understand myself. Today is such a bad day, has anyone had so much pain that just waking up hurts? I feel that way today, yesterday but I pray omorrow will be better. Pain is a state of mind but I feel as though I have lost mine so if you find it will someone please hold it, love it and pray it heals then return it please.....please keep reading and I will keep writing as writing soothes my soul.

Is anyone out there?

So I have resorted to begging on Facebook so that I can see the number on my profile views  double in volume, yet it has yet to happen as I count another day gone and another blog to post but after viewing how many people have viewed me, I have to admit 13 outta 15 are all me not a great start but hey Rome wasn't built in a day and I will not crumble just because my ego is bruised. I worry tho, if people can't stop for a minute online, who would ever buy my books?
It  really does come down to ego I'm afraid to admit. If you search inside yourself you can admit it to, maybe just to your own reflection but everything we do in this life is for the benefit and satisfaction of others don't you think? Housewives create a home so their Families enjoy dinners, dishes and laundry with a flippant "thank's Mom" down to the huge Corporate Attorney's who strive their whole lives to have their name on the end of 5 other Attorney's it's about recongnition and gratitude, a big ole' "atta boy" and I am no different. I started writing because my Mom died, I continue to write because I want others to feel good when they read my words. I want chores to be done faster because you can't wait to turn the next page....yet as of now, no-one has gotten past page 1.
I am not sure if you have to be a member to comment and if that's the case I will delete this blog, I want people to have Freedom to come and go read and write what they may and if I really want to lie to myself, I say that is why I am the only one viewing my profile and I can totally live with that......for now.

Friend, Family or Angels

Have you ever had someone in your life complete you? I don't mean "death do us part" complete but the kind of Friend that isn't a Friend at all but after just communicating for a short period of time they become closer to you than any Family member you ever had? I found someone who completes my sentences, knows the ending to my awful jokes, doesn't care that I curse like a truck driver on the road everyday and finally who accepts me for who I am. Flaws and all I can tell her ANYTHING and I don't even share this with my Husband of 17 years yet with my new connection, I have even re-connected more with said Husband.

So, when you meet a person that means so much to you, I ask you this. "Do you consider them Friend, Family or Angel? Until I met My Angel, I didn't believe in them. I never believed that someone could love me even after knowing where I have been, where I come from and what I have done yet she does. She is not just my Friend and Angel, she is the Sister who loves me the way I prayed for my real Sister to love me. I don't have to chase her, I don't have to beg her to love me, she just does and how freeing is that.

My Sister prayed Peace over me, the kind of peace that let me forget that I have any kind of GAD, SAD or Bipolar Disorder, she cared only of me for 120 minutes and 40 seconds she let me cry, laugh and lean on her understanding when I had clearly lost my own........

So please look around....LOOK for YOUR Angel, YOUR Friend.......YOUR Family and if you can't see anyone, open your eyes to God and pray for that fullfilling relationship that we all so desperately need and DESERVE........I am not witty tonight just sharing with you, a little piece of myself which in the past was very hard to do.....I put away the smiling face that I always carry for other's to see and gave her my vulnerability.....and until you find YOUR way, lean on me I will be here whether we met yesterday, last night, 30 years ago, or never I want to be the shoulders you lean on until you find the one that needs to be found.....

For My Sister, My Friend, My Angel MMM I <3 you

Thank you for reading I hope I didn't give anyone a cavity =]

Redd Door

Depression or Denial?

While depression is a state of denial of reality I have to ask "who's reality are we speaking of?" I get depressed SHOCKER I know, but I do and tho some days it feels as tho the world that used to be flat is flat once again and I can get to that very edge and jump off. Not to die, run away or hide from the depression but once I step off that ledge I would be free, flying free with no pain or pressure to be the person who always smiles before she cries. I cry alot these days, mostly at sappy "Back to School" commercials because while my son get's older that mean I am also getting older, yet I consider my life span to be comparable to a dog's life, every year I feel 7 years older. Ok back to my point. I seem to be more sad than happy and tell that to those that know and love me, they ALL have words of wisdom, like when my Mom dies ALL I EVER HEARD was "she's in a better place" or "she is always with you" BULLSHIT that better place is supposed to be with ME like she promised the 1st time I skinned my knee, "baby Mommy is always going to be here I will NEVER leave you" but.....she did! I feel her only in my dreams so therefor sleeping my life away keeps her here yet I get to a point that I have to ask HER to go or join her and I am a Mom, I can't leave my Child!!!!!

Though I can talk about her now without a quiver in my voice, yet the heart wrenching pain I feel whenever I say "my Mom" is beyond any Oxycotin could take away.....yes my Mom dies. She is forever gone and I am forever without my Mom. Is that Denial or Depression.......in my world it's REALITY. So I conclude with this, love who you love with EVERYTHING you have because in the blink of an eye (or 7 days watching your loved one slowly fade from this life as I did MY Mom) they can be gone and YOU are the one left trying to understand the meaning of the rest of YOUR life and I suggest you choose to Live on in with them as cherished memories that would go for a helluva lot more in your heart than in a pawn shop. So smile, tho your heart is crying I promise YOU WILL MEND.....I am mending Mommy....one band aid over my broken heart at a time.

Redd Door