Depression or Denial?

While depression is a state of denial of reality I have to ask "who's reality are we speaking of?" I get depressed SHOCKER I know, but I do and tho some days it feels as tho the world that used to be flat is flat once again and I can get to that very edge and jump off. Not to die, run away or hide from the depression but once I step off that ledge I would be free, flying free with no pain or pressure to be the person who always smiles before she cries. I cry alot these days, mostly at sappy "Back to School" commercials because while my son get's older that mean I am also getting older, yet I consider my life span to be comparable to a dog's life, every year I feel 7 years older. Ok back to my point. I seem to be more sad than happy and tell that to those that know and love me, they ALL have words of wisdom, like when my Mom dies ALL I EVER HEARD was "she's in a better place" or "she is always with you" BULLSHIT that better place is supposed to be with ME like she promised the 1st time I skinned my knee, "baby Mommy is always going to be here I will NEVER leave you" but.....she did! I feel her only in my dreams so therefor sleeping my life away keeps her here yet I get to a point that I have to ask HER to go or join her and I am a Mom, I can't leave my Child!!!!!

Though I can talk about her now without a quiver in my voice, yet the heart wrenching pain I feel whenever I say "my Mom" is beyond any Oxycotin could take away.....yes my Mom dies. She is forever gone and I am forever without my Mom. Is that Denial or Depression.......in my world it's REALITY. So I conclude with this, love who you love with EVERYTHING you have because in the blink of an eye (or 7 days watching your loved one slowly fade from this life as I did MY Mom) they can be gone and YOU are the one left trying to understand the meaning of the rest of YOUR life and I suggest you choose to Live on in with them as cherished memories that would go for a helluva lot more in your heart than in a pawn shop. So smile, tho your heart is crying I promise YOU WILL MEND.....I am mending Mommy....one band aid over my broken heart at a time.

Redd Door